Ears for the World; Action by ME!

I was talking to one of my friends last week. As we were talking, we came to discuss about complications while buying a new car. She wanted to buy one particular car. The moment she thought she had decided, her father would tell her about another car. As she got convinced what her father was saying, her friend would tell her how someone was having an issue with the car she had decided to buy. If this was not enough, the brother-in-law had his own choice of car to convince her. The end result? She has not yet been able to decide which car to buy since the last two months. She has ultimately decided not to buy a car at all!

I believe almost all of us go through this kind of confusion at some point or the other. We feel we have decided something, but someone barges in to give their opinion, which leaves things complicated. It can happen in various things – which movie to watch; what to be have for dinner; what clothes will be right for the occasion tonight; where to go for holidays this time; which mobile is the most suitable for me; should I join gym, yoga, zumba or anything else; what career will get the best out of me; is it worth paying taxes genuinely; is it okay to lie; should I open up a second store; what is the best way of investing my money, and so on.

Various people with different backgrounds and thought processes will always give suggestions. Not that they want to confuse us, but most of the times it is a genuine concern. They want to help us out with noble intentions. But often our mind gets confused and hence delays our decision making process.

I heard a Marathi saying long ago when I was in school. The saying went – “Aikave Janache; Karave Manache!” In simple words it meant that listen to all that the world is saying. When it comes to decide, do what you feel is the best possible action. Let your ears be for the world, but when the time is for action, back yourself and take a decision. Here are a few situations – 

• I want to keep my body fit. There are various options available. Let me choose that which excites me at the outset, rather than where my friends are going.
• There are innumerable places to see in the world. Someone or the other would have travelled there too. They would convince us that the destination they went to is the best. Let me choose the destination, the place I want to go to, rather than going where my best friend is asking me to visit. 
• Let’s consider that there is a challenging situation within the family. Suggestions will flood in. But I need to think and choose the best possible solution that suits my family the best.
• Immediately the next day after marriage, my own loved ones expect ‘good news’. Between my wife and me, we need to take a call as to when we want to have a kid. 
• I wish to do branding for my business to take it to the next level. Thousands of ideas will flood in. But I should be able to look at the options and budget and take a call accordingly.
• In an arranged marriage, my family will show me guys/ girls for marriage. But I have to live with the life partner for the rest of my life. How much ever the elders try convincing me that this person is right for me, but I should know that one ‘core quality’ I am looking for and say yes only to that person.

  

Vis-à-vis my life –

Earlier, I was always a person who would do things to keep people happy. Even if I didn’t like it, but if it would make someone happy because I listened to them, I would go ahead and do it. This was until I really understood the meaning of this ‘metaphor’.

Yes, I am a great listener (anyone who knows me well can vouch for it). I will listen to anyone and everyone. But when it comes to taking the action, I do what I think is the best thing to do in the situation. At times people do call me stubborn. But I know that’s not the reality. I am flexible where I think someone has a better solution. But where I know this is how I want things to be, I do things my way. However, I ensure that in the process I do not disrespect anyone and also use proper language.

There is no guarantee that the decision/ action will be a right one. If the decision backfires, our mind (and at times people) tells us – “See, you should have listened to him. He told you. But you think of yourself to be too smart.” We might go through this. But I think it’s perfectly alright, provided I am ready to learn and grow out of it. Additionally, I feel that if I have taken an action, then I am responsible for anything that happens. Hence, I will go all out to prove that the decision I took was right. 

I personally feel that we must decide for our own lives. Yes, we must take suggestions. But the ultimate action plan should be mine. This one liner has made a huge difference to the way I live my life. Henceforth, MY EARS FOR THE WORLD; but ACTION BY ME!

Love,

Amit Kothari

...... always upgrading 

A CHILD-LIKE Adult

Diwali has been my favourite festival for a few years now. I love the lights all around, along with the buzz it creates within family and friends. I eagerly look forward to the Diwali festival (and the subsequent holidays). The excitement was equally high this year too.

Around three days before Diwali, out of blue, my wife Arpita threw up this question during dinner – “Is baar apan killa banaye kya?” (Should we make a castle this time?) The instant thought that came was – We are not kids anymore. How can we do it now? But, within a few seconds another thought followed – we had a great time when we made it as a child, didn’t we? A few childhood memories flashed, as if it was happening that very moment! What a wonderful time we had! Coming back to the present, without wasting another minute, everyone at home immediately seconded the idea.

Within a couple of days, we were at it! With a few challenges on how to go about making a ‘killa’, we managed to create a structure out of stone and mud. It wasn’t the best looking as such, but it was ‘our killa’ after all. We did it all by ourselves. I felt nostalgic. What a complete feeling it was!

I thought that apart from making a killa, all of us must be having some things we loved doing when we were kids. So, immediately today morning, I WhatsApped a few friends and asked them – what were their fondest childhood memories. Here are a few interesting replies –

• Cycling away to glory with friends or siblings
• Buying vegetables with mother
• Playing with pets and making homes for them
• Reading books for ceaseless hours
• Imagining myself being a character and imitating them
• Making and flying kites
• Making paper boats and leaving them in water streams
• Getting wet in rains
• Doing various science experiments
• Watching movies with family
• Crazy stuff like mixing shampoo with shaving cream and seeing what happens
• Dream ----- ‘One day ….’
• Playing various outdoor games – cricket, football, lagori, marbles etc.
• Drawing and painting endlessly
• Being creative with Art ‘n’ Craft
• Playing carrom/ chess/ Life/ Scrabble/ etc.
• Having fun with dolls and kitchen sets
• Collecting cards/ stamps/ coins etc.
• Playing un-harmful pranks
• Making tracks for cars to jump and tunnels to go under
• Gazing at the stars, just like that

I am sure you would have done a few out of these. Those were great moments of our lives. As we grew up, such activities have taken a backseat. We have kept them stacked somewhere way behind in our memories with lots of layers covering them. Infact, a few friends who replied also sent me a ‘Thank You’ for reviving those memories.

Agreed that we grow and life moves on. But nowhere is it written or said that once we become so called adults, we can’t do things, which we used to do as kids. At this moment, read the list again. This time with a perspective of what all we can still do in spite of having become adults!

I will not be surprised if you tell me that most (if not all) things are do-able as an adult too. It’s just that we have got so pre-occupied in our daily lives that it doesn’t strike us to enjoy doing them too. If you are one of those very shy persons, take some kid along and do them! But it is an experience certainly not worth missing!

Vis-a-vis my life –

Even I had got caught in the loop of doing only ‘adult-like’ things. Until ‘Our Killa’ came, even I was living thinking that I am enjoying the life I am living. But realised as I was writing this blog, that I am actually missing out on so many joys of life.

The joy we experience in doing these is un-paralleled. The feeling is beyond words. Doing these things (rather even thinking) even today brings a smile on our face. I personally feel that it is such moments, which make our every day delightful. Yes, we cannot become a child again. But instead of being an adult, we can certainly be ‘A CHILD-LIKE ADULT!’

Love,

Amit Kothari
…… always upgrading!

If not NOW, then WHEN?

‘There have been various theories that each one of us would have heard somewhere or the other – India is going to be a super power; India will lead the world; India will soon be a developed nation, and so on! All this is great to hear, but I am a staunch believer in the fact that – until there is a strong political system at the helm of the country’s affairs, we can never reach the stage we dream about. It is just going to be possible in dreams.

I do not support any political party as such. For me, any person/ party, who can make things move and happen, are right to lead India. We, as a nation, are seeing our Prime Minister (PM) Narendra Modi ji do that of late. Ever since Modi ji has taken oath, things seem to be moving! India seems to be on a roll. His recent visit to USA was a huge event. The entire world took note of it. He blew people away with his speeches and thoughts. Looking at him work, I believe that things are set to move for us as a nation.’

These thoughts were running in my mind as I was taking shower the day after PM Modi ji completed his USA tour. It struck me that if he is doing so much for the growth and progress of the nation, what should my role as an Indian be? There are enough times when I want to do something, but hold myself back for some silly reasons. It was then that this statement hit me – If not NOW, then WHEN? 

Thinking a little deeper, I realized that if this thought can be expanded a little more and taken into our daily lives, so much could happen – 

• I am thinking of moving from a job to business. If not NOW, then WHEN?
• I want to talk to an employee about certain issues. If not NOW, then WHEN?
• I wish to pursue a longtime hobby, but don’t get time. If not NOW, then WHEN?
• I want to work on my fitness. If not NOW, then WHEN?
• I wish to give surprises to people. If not NOW, then WHEN?
• I wish to see some awesome places in the world. If not NOW, then WHEN?
• I wish to buy a luxury car that I can afford. If not NOW, then WHEN?
• I want to spend more time with my children, rather than focusing only on work. If not NOW, then WHEN?
• I desire to get anger completely out of my system. If not NOW, then WHEN?
• I aspire to go on a pilgrimage with my wife. If not NOW, then WHEN?
• I dream of having a clean India. I want to do my bit. If not NOW, then WHEN?
• I want to do something for the society. If not NOW, then WHEN?

I feel that there are loads of desires we have to do things. However, we stop ourselves by giving an excuse (most common being – I don’t have time!), or conveniently get into a monotonous routine. We need to halt and ask ourselves about the desires we have! We need to pay heed to those desires.

For, the time will fly. Even before we realize, it will be a few years gone. There would be no point in brooding over it later. Now is the time!

Vis-a-vis my life –

This question has jolted me. It was like a lightning that came and struck me out of nowhere. I realized that there are times when I delay things (though I have become much better than before), just taking them for granted. I let time pass.

I have decided to keep this thought right at the top of my mind. The moment I ask myself this question, it creates a sense of urgency in me. It will certainly propel me as a person and in everything I do! 

Though the entire nation is chanting, ‘NaMo’, ‘NaMo’ (thanks to our PM Modi ji), my chant is – ‘If not NOW, then WHEN?’, ‘If not NOW, then WHEN?’

Love,

Amit Kothari

... always upgrading 

It's a SURPRISE!

Every year we celebrate 15^th September as my dad’s birthday (!). It is like any other day, except for a dinner somewhere outside. 

This year, we thought to make it special for him right through the day. So, as we went for yoga early in the morning, we picked samosas and pedhas for everyone there. A day before, I requested his people at office to decorate his cabin (they did a fantastic job of it!). Then, I called a few of his close business friends to office at 11am. I took a cake for him, which we cut at office in presence of his staff and business friends. This was the first time that he celebrated his birthday in office. Later, I sent an SMS to his near and dear ones to wish him if possible on his special day. That day, he received calls from absolutely unexpected people! Finally, we had our dinner on the terrace of our new house! The setting was magical – dim lights, my family and evergreen hindi songs humming in the background. The moment was perfect; not a single leaf moved. It seemed the world stood still! We made him go up before us and came from behind with a cake. The blush on his face was a sight to see! As he cut the cake, we put on the song – “Tum jiyo hazooron saal …” 

Oh! What a brilliant day it was! More than him, we all felt ecstatic. All of it was a SURPRISE for him! 

As we went to sleep, he sent me an SMS – “Aaj ki surprise party rakhane ke liye bahot bahot thanks. Majja aaya! (Thanks for planning the surprise party. It was great fun)” It got me to think that life is all about creating such joyous moments, isn’t it? It is even more fun when the other person is not expecting it at all and we do it. Remembering such moments brings a smile to our face. Such memories make one’s life worth it. 

It doesn’t take a full day effort, or an event to give a surprise. It can be done in day-to-day routine – 

• Taking flowers for the women/girls in the house. At least one to each.  
• Just dropping in at your wife’s workplace and having lunch together.
• Landing up at a cousin’s house midnight to celebrate his birthday.
• Flying to a sister to celebrate Rakhi.
• Taking Indian Burger (vada pav) for colleagues at office.
• Buying a dress for my wife.
• Gifting a saree to the maid in the house.
• Writing a letter of appreciation for a loved one.
• Just dropping by and saying ‘Hi’ to a friend as I am passing by.
• Taking a favourite ice cream for mom as I come back from work.
• Sending WhatsApp to a teacher letting her know what she means to me.
• Gifting a jacket to the watchman who stands guard in chilled winters.
• Making a same T-Shirt for me and my wife with some cute wordings.
• Recording a song in my voice for my wife (irrespective of the kind of voice God has given me)

Vis-a-vis my life –

I cherish creating such awesome moments for people in my life. I love to see that smile on their face. Hence, I keep doing something or the other. For me, it is not an effort, but something that I ‘want’ to do. 

It seems that we have got into this trap of ‘rat race’, where all of us are running day in and day out. In the process, we seem to have forgotten how to make people feel special. We seem to be saying, ‘I’ve got no time; I am too busy; I have too much work to do, and so on!’ But, if the intention is there, our own mind gives creative ideas. We just have to ask it to work. 

I believe that making someone feel special is the best thing that I can do. It is these moments, which will make them live a few extra years. Hence, I have decided that I will keep giving myself opportunities where I will be able to say to enough people – “It’s a SURPRISE!” 

Love,

Amit Kothari
…… always upgrading!

Handling OTHER'S ANGER

Our maid at home, Usha, didn’t turn up yesterday. She called at the last minute informing that her husband’s health was not OK. (These maids invariably manage to do this when there is the most work, isn’t it?) Though the monsoons are pouring down, the temperatures in my house were soaring! Fortunately, we managed to get some help within sometime.

As she turned up today morning, it was a mixed response – a heave of relief as well as anger! As my dad went out to take his towel; mockingly he said, “Why do you take holidays without informing!” Guess what she did – SHE JUST SMILED!

Dad was amused and came and shared inside. My wife Arpita immediately said, “She always laughs when you scold her. When you ask her, she says that I have never heard someone speak in a high tone with me. I don’t know how else to respond!”

The only words that came out my mouth that time were – “WOW!”

Invariably when someone gets angry on me, in turn I get furious on them. If I cannot get furious (on certain people), I tend to get frustrated, irritated or then throw tantrums. It leads me to negative emotions and ultimately loss of peace! I convince myself that – they cannot talk to me like this; they are taking me for granted; I won’t take everyone’s s*#@; I am not a football that anyone can kick me, whenever they get a chance, and so on. It leaves me feeling absolutely pathetic.

We would have seen this classic scene in our houses. Let’s say the daughter is upset that a vegetable has been made that she doesn’t like, and she is damn hungry. She gets angry. Dad sees it, and in a furious tone tells the daughter not to get angry and talk properly! Sounds funny, but the Dad wants to control the daughter’s anger by becoming angrier on her! Whether the Dad likes it or not, it does not work.

Similar can be the case between boss-employee, friends, husband-wife, siblings, co-workers, and so on. Each one of us wants to take control in a situation. I want to have the final say! No one should override me, is what I feel. I seem to believe that a negative emotion must be countered by a larger negative emotion. Yes, it works in mathematics where two negatives equal to a positive. However, in life, two negatives multiply to become Negative Square!

Vis-a-vis my life –

I never react negatively to anyone who is getting angry on me. Though I am composed from outside, at times, I am fuming inside. But I ensure it never comes out on others. My mood goes for a toss for a while. But henceforth, I will ensure that the inner fuming also doesn’t get a chance to pop up its ugly head!

Today morning Usha taught me a very important lesson. If someone is getting angry on me (though it is not my fault), can I just control my negative emotions and be composed? If possible, I must smile in the moment and apologize that something I did made them angry. Once they come back to normalcy, communicate to them about the issue. Invariably, they will tell me – I am sorry I got angry on you.

Thanks to Usha, I learnt a lesson on HANDLING OTHER’S ANGER!

Love,
Amit Kothari
…… always upgrading!

Communication Solves it all ....

Wikipedia says – “Communication (from Latin commūnicāre, meaning "to share") is the meaningful exchange of information between two or more participants.”

Usually communicating with others involves three primary steps –

Thought: First, information exists in the mind of the sender. This can be a concept, idea, information, or feeling.

Encoding: Next, a message is sent to a receiver in words or other symbols.

Decoding: Lastly, the receiver translates the words or symbols into a concept or information that a person can understand.

 

The modern world we stay in today, many things have changed and some have totally disappeared - like the three steps of communication. In today’s times, the stage of ‘encoding’ seems to have disappeared. It is taken for granted that the message SHOULD BE UNDERSTOOD without actually saying it in words! (Sounds funny, doesn’t it?). Hence, the ‘decoding’ happens in its own ways; obviously not congruent to the encoded message (that never ever happened!).

 

Let’s talk about it in layman’s language with a few examples – 

• The Mother-in-Law (MIL) expects the daughter-in-law (DIL) to understand a few things that she must do as part of the family. But the DIL doesn’t really feels that it ought to be done like that since she has never seen it happen at her house.
• The boss feels that the employee should behave in a certain way. Unfortunately, the maturity of this experienced boss is different than the thought process of this young recruit.
• The teacher assumes that the students must sit in rapt attention in the classroom. On the other hand, a kid’s phone just beeped with a WhatsApp message, which he can’t resist seeing.
• The daughter is supposed to reach home before the deadline defined by the father. Yet, she sees that her brothers are allowed to come home at a time they think is convenient.
• The husband has enjoyed all the luxuries of life without having to struggle much and hence, has a relaxed way of doing things. But the wife has had a tough teenage life where she had to struggle. She loves to sort out things instantly.
• The sister and wife have issues with each other. They complain to the brother / husband (which is the same person). To the brother / husband, both look right (!)

I need not really elaborate on what will happen in all the above situations! It will lead to a few heart burns, misunderstandings, blame games, anger, frustration, loss of mental peace, and so on! I am sure; we would have experienced at least one, if not all situations!

Though the issues look complicated, the solution is very simple! A simple sentence to myself – I WILL COMMUNICATE would set so many things right. Which means, the moment I feel that someone has done / is doing something, which I don’t think is right, I will talk it out instead of keeping it to myself and hence process even more negative thoughts! We always want the other person to understand, but we don’t want to take efforts to understand them (sounds hilarious, doesn’t it? But secretly we are doing this!). Our thinking is, “At least they should understand this much! Should I be telling everything?” 

 

Modern technology has given us more and more tools to communicate with fellow human beings. But instead of communicating on important issues, we love forwarding jokes and messages. We, as human beings somehow seem to have stopped COMMUNICATION; especially on important issues! The onus or fault is always others.

 

Vis-à-vis my life –

 

Of late, I have been genuinely working on this. I too used to be the kind where I thought, “Does everything need to be told? Isn’t it so obvious?” But realised that everything isn’t as obvious for everyone as it is for me! People have different ways to doing same things. Hence, for my peace of mind, I must COMMUNICATE! This is the best way of keeping things simple and uncomplicated!
 

At times, our big ego stops us from taking the initiative. But take it, we must for our own peace! How much ever bad the situation looks at the moment, yet if I decide to communicate, things can be back on track. The mental turmoil I save myself from is worth billions!

 

I strongly believe that communication is magic. If there is a complicated situation, only COMMUNICATION CAN SOLVE IT ALL ….. 

 

Love,
Amit Kothari
…… always upgrading!

REACTION vs RESPONSE

One of my dear friends, Ashwin Shah, shared a lovely story which I thought of forwarding to all of you – 

“A beautiful speech by Sundar Pichai - an IIT-MIT Alumnus and Global Head Google Chrome -

At a restaurant, a cockroach suddenly flew from somewhere and sat on a lady. She started screaming out of fear. With a panic-stricken face and trembling voice, she started jumping, with both her hands desperately trying to get rid of the cockroach. Her reaction was contagious, as everyone in her group also got panicky. The lady finally managed to push the cockroach away but ... it landed on another lady in the group.

 

Now, it was the turn of the other lady in the group to continue the drama.

 

The waiter rushed forward to their rescue.

 

In the relay of throwing, the cockroach next fell upon the waiter. The waiter stood firm, composed himself and observed the behavior of the cockroach on his shirt. When he was confident enough, he grabbed it with his fingers and threw it out of the restaurant.

 

Sipping my coffee and watching the amusement, the antenna of my mind picked up a few thoughts and started wondering, was the cockroach responsible for their histrionic behavior?

 

If so, then why was the waiter not disturbed? He handled it near to perfection, without any chaos.

 

It is not the cockroach, but the inability of the ladies to handle the disturbance caused by the cockroach that disturbed the ladies.

 

In life, more than the problem, it's my reaction to the problem that creates chaos in my life. I understood, I should not react in life. I should always respond. The women reacted whereas the waiter responded.

Reactions are always instinctive whereas responses are always well thought of!”

 

Are there times in my life too when I REACT whereas I can RESPOND – 

• The traffic is stuck because a driver ahead of me seems to be struggling to get his vehicle started. I can react by honking; on the other hand, I can respond by understanding that even he is not enjoying waiting on the green signal, but there must be an issue.
• My father is shouting at me for something wrong I did at work. I can react by getting angry and banging things. Instead, I can respond by simply listening to what he has to say. After all, he is not my enemy. In his own ways, he wants to save me from blemishes.
• My wife is irritated at the series of events through the day. Add to it, I come late where I promised to come early. The moment I enter, she starts firing me. I can react by shouting back at her and saying – “Ghar mein bhi shaanti nahin hai.” (There is no peace at home too). If I really love her, I will respond by saying and meaning ‘Sorry.’ Maybe a little later hug her and ask what made her behave like this.

I strongly advocate the fact that – “REACTION always complicates; whereas RESPONSE always solves!” Every time I look back into - my life, my loved ones lives, my friends’ lives etc., this hold true everywhere. I haven’t come across a single situation where reacting has solved an issue.

 

Haven’t we so often gone through this – I react to a particular situation and behave abruptly. When I calm down, I realize that it wasn’t the right way of handling the situation. In various ways, then I attempt to apologize.

 

According to me, the best way to handle this is – to take a 20 second break before saying anything when there is a negative situation. Though they seem too less, these are magical 20 seconds! These 20 seconds can be the difference between – REACT and RESPOND.

 

Vis-à-vis my life – 

Not to brag about myself, but I think I always respond to situations. I hardly remember an incident when I reacted and made things worse. In fact, I have more memories of times when I could have reacted, but chose to RESPOND! That is probably one reason I haven’t snapped off any relationship as such!

 

I wish to live by – RESPOND, and even BETTER RESPONSE!

 

Love,
Amit Kothari
…… always upgrading!