Handling OTHER'S ANGER

Our maid at home, Usha, didn’t turn up yesterday. She called at the last minute informing that her husband’s health was not OK. (These maids invariably manage to do this when there is the most work, isn’t it?) Though the monsoons are pouring down, the temperatures in my house were soaring! Fortunately, we managed to get some help within sometime.

As she turned up today morning, it was a mixed response – a heave of relief as well as anger! As my dad went out to take his towel; mockingly he said, “Why do you take holidays without informing!” Guess what she did – SHE JUST SMILED!

Dad was amused and came and shared inside. My wife Arpita immediately said, “She always laughs when you scold her. When you ask her, she says that I have never heard someone speak in a high tone with me. I don’t know how else to respond!”

The only words that came out my mouth that time were – “WOW!”

Invariably when someone gets angry on me, in turn I get furious on them. If I cannot get furious (on certain people), I tend to get frustrated, irritated or then throw tantrums. It leads me to negative emotions and ultimately loss of peace! I convince myself that – they cannot talk to me like this; they are taking me for granted; I won’t take everyone’s s*#@; I am not a football that anyone can kick me, whenever they get a chance, and so on. It leaves me feeling absolutely pathetic.

We would have seen this classic scene in our houses. Let’s say the daughter is upset that a vegetable has been made that she doesn’t like, and she is damn hungry. She gets angry. Dad sees it, and in a furious tone tells the daughter not to get angry and talk properly! Sounds funny, but the Dad wants to control the daughter’s anger by becoming angrier on her! Whether the Dad likes it or not, it does not work.

Similar can be the case between boss-employee, friends, husband-wife, siblings, co-workers, and so on. Each one of us wants to take control in a situation. I want to have the final say! No one should override me, is what I feel. I seem to believe that a negative emotion must be countered by a larger negative emotion. Yes, it works in mathematics where two negatives equal to a positive. However, in life, two negatives multiply to become Negative Square!

Vis-a-vis my life –

I never react negatively to anyone who is getting angry on me. Though I am composed from outside, at times, I am fuming inside. But I ensure it never comes out on others. My mood goes for a toss for a while. But henceforth, I will ensure that the inner fuming also doesn’t get a chance to pop up its ugly head!

Today morning Usha taught me a very important lesson. If someone is getting angry on me (though it is not my fault), can I just control my negative emotions and be composed? If possible, I must smile in the moment and apologize that something I did made them angry. Once they come back to normalcy, communicate to them about the issue. Invariably, they will tell me – I am sorry I got angry on you.

Thanks to Usha, I learnt a lesson on HANDLING OTHER’S ANGER!

Love,
Amit Kothari
…… always upgrading!

Communication Solves it all ....

Wikipedia says – “Communication (from Latin commūnicāre, meaning "to share") is the meaningful exchange of information between two or more participants.”

Usually communicating with others involves three primary steps –

Thought: First, information exists in the mind of the sender. This can be a concept, idea, information, or feeling.

Encoding: Next, a message is sent to a receiver in words or other symbols.

Decoding: Lastly, the receiver translates the words or symbols into a concept or information that a person can understand.

 

The modern world we stay in today, many things have changed and some have totally disappeared - like the three steps of communication. In today’s times, the stage of ‘encoding’ seems to have disappeared. It is taken for granted that the message SHOULD BE UNDERSTOOD without actually saying it in words! (Sounds funny, doesn’t it?). Hence, the ‘decoding’ happens in its own ways; obviously not congruent to the encoded message (that never ever happened!).

 

Let’s talk about it in layman’s language with a few examples – 

• The Mother-in-Law (MIL) expects the daughter-in-law (DIL) to understand a few things that she must do as part of the family. But the DIL doesn’t really feels that it ought to be done like that since she has never seen it happen at her house.
• The boss feels that the employee should behave in a certain way. Unfortunately, the maturity of this experienced boss is different than the thought process of this young recruit.
• The teacher assumes that the students must sit in rapt attention in the classroom. On the other hand, a kid’s phone just beeped with a WhatsApp message, which he can’t resist seeing.
• The daughter is supposed to reach home before the deadline defined by the father. Yet, she sees that her brothers are allowed to come home at a time they think is convenient.
• The husband has enjoyed all the luxuries of life without having to struggle much and hence, has a relaxed way of doing things. But the wife has had a tough teenage life where she had to struggle. She loves to sort out things instantly.
• The sister and wife have issues with each other. They complain to the brother / husband (which is the same person). To the brother / husband, both look right (!)

I need not really elaborate on what will happen in all the above situations! It will lead to a few heart burns, misunderstandings, blame games, anger, frustration, loss of mental peace, and so on! I am sure; we would have experienced at least one, if not all situations!

Though the issues look complicated, the solution is very simple! A simple sentence to myself – I WILL COMMUNICATE would set so many things right. Which means, the moment I feel that someone has done / is doing something, which I don’t think is right, I will talk it out instead of keeping it to myself and hence process even more negative thoughts! We always want the other person to understand, but we don’t want to take efforts to understand them (sounds hilarious, doesn’t it? But secretly we are doing this!). Our thinking is, “At least they should understand this much! Should I be telling everything?” 

 

Modern technology has given us more and more tools to communicate with fellow human beings. But instead of communicating on important issues, we love forwarding jokes and messages. We, as human beings somehow seem to have stopped COMMUNICATION; especially on important issues! The onus or fault is always others.

 

Vis-à-vis my life –

 

Of late, I have been genuinely working on this. I too used to be the kind where I thought, “Does everything need to be told? Isn’t it so obvious?” But realised that everything isn’t as obvious for everyone as it is for me! People have different ways to doing same things. Hence, for my peace of mind, I must COMMUNICATE! This is the best way of keeping things simple and uncomplicated!
 

At times, our big ego stops us from taking the initiative. But take it, we must for our own peace! How much ever bad the situation looks at the moment, yet if I decide to communicate, things can be back on track. The mental turmoil I save myself from is worth billions!

 

I strongly believe that communication is magic. If there is a complicated situation, only COMMUNICATION CAN SOLVE IT ALL ….. 

 

Love,
Amit Kothari
…… always upgrading!

KEEPING THE FOCUS RIGHT

I did my Masters degree from Monash University in Melbourne, Australia. As I was studying there for about 18 months, I realized that one of the most awaited and exciting event that happens in Melbourne is – F1 (Formula One) race. Melbourne is the place where the F1 season begins. One canalways feel the excitement in the air!

A few of my friends in Melbourne were great fans of F1. They would always make it a point to watch the F1 race. They told me something, which was brilliant. They told me that the cars zoom at the speed of 300 km/hour. (The sound in the circuit is deafening. You need ear plugs to be able to sit and watch it live). Until their focus is on the road ahead, they are always in control of their car. The moment their focus dwindles even for a mini second, they suffer in the race.

How true this is in our lives too! Depending on where my focus is, so are the results for me too. Let’s consider a few real life examples –

·         When I say it is a tough subject for me, how many times haveI scored well in it?

·        When my thought is that I am going to make a call to a customer who is a little tricky, do I actually ever end  up convincing that customer?

·         When I am of the opinion that I don’t think this friendship will last long, have I ever mended that friendship?

·         When I say it is recession time, have I ever grown in my business during that period?

The point I am attempting to make is that when I think of a situation in a negative way (which is my focus), invariably the outcome is never positive. Instead, how about shifting focus–

·   Irrespective of how tough the subject looks, with a little bit of extra studies, I should be able to score extremely well.

·        Though the customer looks tricky, today seems to be my day. I can convert any one into my customer.

·    Even when the friend is not responding the way I would like him to, I will take that initiative to build the relationship and get back to the good old times.

·     Doesn’t matter if it is a recession. Not everyone has stopped buying. Even if there is one customer who is buying, how can I get him to come to me?

VIS-À-VIS my life –

More often than not, I look at any situation with an intent to find a solution to it. Some situations bewilder me; some are fresh challenges; some don’t seem to have a straight solution.But when I set my mindto think – what is the best solution to this issue, a solution pops up automatically. I think this happens because I shift my focus onto – how to solve this?

I firmly believe in this concept and have seen this working for me. When I get my focus right, positive outcomes happen! Hence, I have promised myself to always KEEPMY FOCUS RIGHT …

Love,
Amit Kothari
……always upgrading!