If not NOW, then WHEN?

‘There have been various theories that each one of us would have heard somewhere or the other – India is going to be a super power; India will lead the world; India will soon be a developed nation, and so on! All this is great to hear, but I am a staunch believer in the fact that – until there is a strong political system at the helm of the country’s affairs, we can never reach the stage we dream about. It is just going to be possible in dreams.

I do not support any political party as such. For me, any person/ party, who can make things move and happen, are right to lead India. We, as a nation, are seeing our Prime Minister (PM) Narendra Modi ji do that of late. Ever since Modi ji has taken oath, things seem to be moving! India seems to be on a roll. His recent visit to USA was a huge event. The entire world took note of it. He blew people away with his speeches and thoughts. Looking at him work, I believe that things are set to move for us as a nation.’

These thoughts were running in my mind as I was taking shower the day after PM Modi ji completed his USA tour. It struck me that if he is doing so much for the growth and progress of the nation, what should my role as an Indian be? There are enough times when I want to do something, but hold myself back for some silly reasons. It was then that this statement hit me – If not NOW, then WHEN? 

Thinking a little deeper, I realized that if this thought can be expanded a little more and taken into our daily lives, so much could happen – 

• I am thinking of moving from a job to business. If not NOW, then WHEN?
• I want to talk to an employee about certain issues. If not NOW, then WHEN?
• I wish to pursue a longtime hobby, but don’t get time. If not NOW, then WHEN?
• I want to work on my fitness. If not NOW, then WHEN?
• I wish to give surprises to people. If not NOW, then WHEN?
• I wish to see some awesome places in the world. If not NOW, then WHEN?
• I wish to buy a luxury car that I can afford. If not NOW, then WHEN?
• I want to spend more time with my children, rather than focusing only on work. If not NOW, then WHEN?
• I desire to get anger completely out of my system. If not NOW, then WHEN?
• I aspire to go on a pilgrimage with my wife. If not NOW, then WHEN?
• I dream of having a clean India. I want to do my bit. If not NOW, then WHEN?
• I want to do something for the society. If not NOW, then WHEN?

I feel that there are loads of desires we have to do things. However, we stop ourselves by giving an excuse (most common being – I don’t have time!), or conveniently get into a monotonous routine. We need to halt and ask ourselves about the desires we have! We need to pay heed to those desires.

For, the time will fly. Even before we realize, it will be a few years gone. There would be no point in brooding over it later. Now is the time!

Vis-a-vis my life –

This question has jolted me. It was like a lightning that came and struck me out of nowhere. I realized that there are times when I delay things (though I have become much better than before), just taking them for granted. I let time pass.

I have decided to keep this thought right at the top of my mind. The moment I ask myself this question, it creates a sense of urgency in me. It will certainly propel me as a person and in everything I do! 

Though the entire nation is chanting, ‘NaMo’, ‘NaMo’ (thanks to our PM Modi ji), my chant is – ‘If not NOW, then WHEN?’, ‘If not NOW, then WHEN?’

Love,

Amit Kothari

... always upgrading 

It's a SURPRISE!

Every year we celebrate 15^th September as my dad’s birthday (!). It is like any other day, except for a dinner somewhere outside. 

This year, we thought to make it special for him right through the day. So, as we went for yoga early in the morning, we picked samosas and pedhas for everyone there. A day before, I requested his people at office to decorate his cabin (they did a fantastic job of it!). Then, I called a few of his close business friends to office at 11am. I took a cake for him, which we cut at office in presence of his staff and business friends. This was the first time that he celebrated his birthday in office. Later, I sent an SMS to his near and dear ones to wish him if possible on his special day. That day, he received calls from absolutely unexpected people! Finally, we had our dinner on the terrace of our new house! The setting was magical – dim lights, my family and evergreen hindi songs humming in the background. The moment was perfect; not a single leaf moved. It seemed the world stood still! We made him go up before us and came from behind with a cake. The blush on his face was a sight to see! As he cut the cake, we put on the song – “Tum jiyo hazooron saal …” 

Oh! What a brilliant day it was! More than him, we all felt ecstatic. All of it was a SURPRISE for him! 

As we went to sleep, he sent me an SMS – “Aaj ki surprise party rakhane ke liye bahot bahot thanks. Majja aaya! (Thanks for planning the surprise party. It was great fun)” It got me to think that life is all about creating such joyous moments, isn’t it? It is even more fun when the other person is not expecting it at all and we do it. Remembering such moments brings a smile to our face. Such memories make one’s life worth it. 

It doesn’t take a full day effort, or an event to give a surprise. It can be done in day-to-day routine – 

• Taking flowers for the women/girls in the house. At least one to each.  
• Just dropping in at your wife’s workplace and having lunch together.
• Landing up at a cousin’s house midnight to celebrate his birthday.
• Flying to a sister to celebrate Rakhi.
• Taking Indian Burger (vada pav) for colleagues at office.
• Buying a dress for my wife.
• Gifting a saree to the maid in the house.
• Writing a letter of appreciation for a loved one.
• Just dropping by and saying ‘Hi’ to a friend as I am passing by.
• Taking a favourite ice cream for mom as I come back from work.
• Sending WhatsApp to a teacher letting her know what she means to me.
• Gifting a jacket to the watchman who stands guard in chilled winters.
• Making a same T-Shirt for me and my wife with some cute wordings.
• Recording a song in my voice for my wife (irrespective of the kind of voice God has given me)

Vis-a-vis my life –

I cherish creating such awesome moments for people in my life. I love to see that smile on their face. Hence, I keep doing something or the other. For me, it is not an effort, but something that I ‘want’ to do. 

It seems that we have got into this trap of ‘rat race’, where all of us are running day in and day out. In the process, we seem to have forgotten how to make people feel special. We seem to be saying, ‘I’ve got no time; I am too busy; I have too much work to do, and so on!’ But, if the intention is there, our own mind gives creative ideas. We just have to ask it to work. 

I believe that making someone feel special is the best thing that I can do. It is these moments, which will make them live a few extra years. Hence, I have decided that I will keep giving myself opportunities where I will be able to say to enough people – “It’s a SURPRISE!” 

Love,

Amit Kothari
…… always upgrading!

Handling OTHER'S ANGER

Our maid at home, Usha, didn’t turn up yesterday. She called at the last minute informing that her husband’s health was not OK. (These maids invariably manage to do this when there is the most work, isn’t it?) Though the monsoons are pouring down, the temperatures in my house were soaring! Fortunately, we managed to get some help within sometime.

As she turned up today morning, it was a mixed response – a heave of relief as well as anger! As my dad went out to take his towel; mockingly he said, “Why do you take holidays without informing!” Guess what she did – SHE JUST SMILED!

Dad was amused and came and shared inside. My wife Arpita immediately said, “She always laughs when you scold her. When you ask her, she says that I have never heard someone speak in a high tone with me. I don’t know how else to respond!”

The only words that came out my mouth that time were – “WOW!”

Invariably when someone gets angry on me, in turn I get furious on them. If I cannot get furious (on certain people), I tend to get frustrated, irritated or then throw tantrums. It leads me to negative emotions and ultimately loss of peace! I convince myself that – they cannot talk to me like this; they are taking me for granted; I won’t take everyone’s s*#@; I am not a football that anyone can kick me, whenever they get a chance, and so on. It leaves me feeling absolutely pathetic.

We would have seen this classic scene in our houses. Let’s say the daughter is upset that a vegetable has been made that she doesn’t like, and she is damn hungry. She gets angry. Dad sees it, and in a furious tone tells the daughter not to get angry and talk properly! Sounds funny, but the Dad wants to control the daughter’s anger by becoming angrier on her! Whether the Dad likes it or not, it does not work.

Similar can be the case between boss-employee, friends, husband-wife, siblings, co-workers, and so on. Each one of us wants to take control in a situation. I want to have the final say! No one should override me, is what I feel. I seem to believe that a negative emotion must be countered by a larger negative emotion. Yes, it works in mathematics where two negatives equal to a positive. However, in life, two negatives multiply to become Negative Square!

Vis-a-vis my life –

I never react negatively to anyone who is getting angry on me. Though I am composed from outside, at times, I am fuming inside. But I ensure it never comes out on others. My mood goes for a toss for a while. But henceforth, I will ensure that the inner fuming also doesn’t get a chance to pop up its ugly head!

Today morning Usha taught me a very important lesson. If someone is getting angry on me (though it is not my fault), can I just control my negative emotions and be composed? If possible, I must smile in the moment and apologize that something I did made them angry. Once they come back to normalcy, communicate to them about the issue. Invariably, they will tell me – I am sorry I got angry on you.

Thanks to Usha, I learnt a lesson on HANDLING OTHER’S ANGER!

Love,
Amit Kothari
…… always upgrading!

Communication Solves it all ....

Wikipedia says – “Communication (from Latin commūnicāre, meaning "to share") is the meaningful exchange of information between two or more participants.”

Usually communicating with others involves three primary steps –

Thought: First, information exists in the mind of the sender. This can be a concept, idea, information, or feeling.

Encoding: Next, a message is sent to a receiver in words or other symbols.

Decoding: Lastly, the receiver translates the words or symbols into a concept or information that a person can understand.

 

The modern world we stay in today, many things have changed and some have totally disappeared - like the three steps of communication. In today’s times, the stage of ‘encoding’ seems to have disappeared. It is taken for granted that the message SHOULD BE UNDERSTOOD without actually saying it in words! (Sounds funny, doesn’t it?). Hence, the ‘decoding’ happens in its own ways; obviously not congruent to the encoded message (that never ever happened!).

 

Let’s talk about it in layman’s language with a few examples – 

• The Mother-in-Law (MIL) expects the daughter-in-law (DIL) to understand a few things that she must do as part of the family. But the DIL doesn’t really feels that it ought to be done like that since she has never seen it happen at her house.
• The boss feels that the employee should behave in a certain way. Unfortunately, the maturity of this experienced boss is different than the thought process of this young recruit.
• The teacher assumes that the students must sit in rapt attention in the classroom. On the other hand, a kid’s phone just beeped with a WhatsApp message, which he can’t resist seeing.
• The daughter is supposed to reach home before the deadline defined by the father. Yet, she sees that her brothers are allowed to come home at a time they think is convenient.
• The husband has enjoyed all the luxuries of life without having to struggle much and hence, has a relaxed way of doing things. But the wife has had a tough teenage life where she had to struggle. She loves to sort out things instantly.
• The sister and wife have issues with each other. They complain to the brother / husband (which is the same person). To the brother / husband, both look right (!)

I need not really elaborate on what will happen in all the above situations! It will lead to a few heart burns, misunderstandings, blame games, anger, frustration, loss of mental peace, and so on! I am sure; we would have experienced at least one, if not all situations!

Though the issues look complicated, the solution is very simple! A simple sentence to myself – I WILL COMMUNICATE would set so many things right. Which means, the moment I feel that someone has done / is doing something, which I don’t think is right, I will talk it out instead of keeping it to myself and hence process even more negative thoughts! We always want the other person to understand, but we don’t want to take efforts to understand them (sounds hilarious, doesn’t it? But secretly we are doing this!). Our thinking is, “At least they should understand this much! Should I be telling everything?” 

 

Modern technology has given us more and more tools to communicate with fellow human beings. But instead of communicating on important issues, we love forwarding jokes and messages. We, as human beings somehow seem to have stopped COMMUNICATION; especially on important issues! The onus or fault is always others.

 

Vis-à-vis my life –

 

Of late, I have been genuinely working on this. I too used to be the kind where I thought, “Does everything need to be told? Isn’t it so obvious?” But realised that everything isn’t as obvious for everyone as it is for me! People have different ways to doing same things. Hence, for my peace of mind, I must COMMUNICATE! This is the best way of keeping things simple and uncomplicated!
 

At times, our big ego stops us from taking the initiative. But take it, we must for our own peace! How much ever bad the situation looks at the moment, yet if I decide to communicate, things can be back on track. The mental turmoil I save myself from is worth billions!

 

I strongly believe that communication is magic. If there is a complicated situation, only COMMUNICATION CAN SOLVE IT ALL ….. 

 

Love,
Amit Kothari
…… always upgrading!

Fauja hi Fauja ....

Ever since I have heard about this man – Fauja Singh, a few concepts of my life have dramatically changed. He is passionate about running and says, “I am very fond of my running shoes, I absolutely love them. I wear them for pleasure. I can't imagine my life without them.” He has completed 8 Marathons, 3 half Marathons, and several short distance runs. In one single day, he set eight world records for running in 100 mts, 200 mts, 400 mts, 800 mts, 1500 mts, 1 mile, 3000 mts, and 5000 mts. He bettered five previous records and set three new, which were not attempted before. He was featured in an advertising campaign for sportswear manufacturer Adidas alongside David Beckham and Muhammad Ali. 

Hold your breath as you read this (in case you have never heard of Fauja Singh before) – Fauja Singh began training for running Marathon at the young (!) age of 89 years. Singh shot to fame when, at the age of 93, he completed the 42 kms distance in 6 hours and 54 minutes. This knocked 58 minutes off the previous world best for anyone in the 90-plus-age bracket. All the eight world records were set when he was 100 years old.  The moment I read about him – I was wonderstruck. “WOW” is what popped out! I was stunned to know that at the age of 100, someone can be so fit. For fitness, he immediately became my inspiration! He is about 103 years old now and still going strong!

Once a reporter asked him, “Don’t you feel pain when you run for so long at this age?” A valid question, isn’t it? But his reply was brilliant. Without pausing for a single second, he replied, “When I run every morning, my body aches. But if I don’t wake up, it will ache in the hospital. I prefer my body to ache on the run, rather than in the hospital. My choice is very clear!” (Re-read this paragraph if it hasn’t seeped in yet)

There are innumerable of us who make a resolution on every 1^st January that “I will exercise consistently from now on!” But within a week, it dissipates. The excuses are similar with just little tweaks here and there –  

• I have too much work. Though I want to, I have no time to exercise.
• I have to drop my kids to school. When and how to exercise?
• I have lots of household chores to take care. Isn’t that exercise enough?
• I am too young right now. When I become 40 years, I will start. Right now is the age to eat, drink and chill.
• I don’t get enough sleep in the night; hence waking up is an issue.
• How much ever I workout, there is no effect on the body. What’s the point of taking so much effort?
• Anyway, God has decided my lifespan. Me working on my fitness can’t change it at all. So, why exercise?
• I have no company. Exercising alone is so boring. (If you fall in this category, do read one of my blogs – ‘Learn to Train Solo’)

The issue is that we give fitness the last priority and not the top priority. Everything else should be done. If there is some time left, then I might workout. We are too casual about it. We think everything will go fine. Let’s forget everything else. I want each one of you reading this line to think – “What will happen to your family / loved ones, if you are not there?” If possible, do close your eyes for a couple of minutes and imagine the scenario. Will they miss some lovely moments you usually give them? Will they miss your presence? Will they miss the laughter you create? Will they miss you on the dinners and movies you went together? Will they miss your warm hug? Would they enjoy seeing me on that hospital bed?

I know these might be a little emotional questions. But, I really wish that each one of you who is reading this article, but doesn’t exercise regularly, imagine the possibilities if (God forbid) something happens to you. The intention is not to scare anyone or become negative, but make aware how important each one of us is in the lives of our loved ones. 

Vis-a-vis my life –

Fortunately, I have always been a regular fitness freak. I love being and feeling fit. I don’t need external motivation to workout. In fact, my mother says the opposite, “At times, you can sleep. Don’t exercise so much!” I never want my loved ones to miss me just because I was casual about my health. Hence, for the last 15 years now, I have been exercising very regularly. 

I would like to conclude by relating to this interesting comparison shared by my teacher Naren - We send our cars to the garage for denting and painting. But it is not as good as the original. Similarly, when we go to a hospital for a major illness, the doctor does some ‘denting and painting’ inside our body. But it is never as good as the original. It is always repaired! 

Fauja Singh is truly my inspiration for fitness. The moment I feel lazy about working out, I just have to hum …. Fauji Hi Fauja!!!!!! 

Love,
Amit Kothari
…… always upgrading!

The 'Ravana within'

By now, you would already know about my latest trip to Sri Lanka (Ayobowan Sri Lanka). We went to various places and did a variety of things. One of the most beautiful experiences was  – the wild life safari at Yala National Park.

Earlier, I had been to Tekaddy (Kerela) Forests, Kanha National Park, and Kali Forest to see animals in the wild. But, in that matter my track record has been really bad. So, as we were taking the tickets to enter Yala National Park, my mind was telling me – actually, there is no point in going in; as I wouldn’t get to see much. Should I be spending as much (the safari would cost us about Rs.5000/-)? Though the doubtful thoughts were going on, I still bought the tickets.

The moment we reached the entrance of Yala, a wild elephant stood on our left! Looked like a lucky day. Even before we entered the National Park, an elephant welcomed us. As we went in, we saw – elephants, deer, crocodile, rabbits, mongoose, monitor lizard and many types of birds. This was my best safari experience till date.

Greedy, a man is! I told myself that though I have seen everything, how about sighting a leopard, which Yala is famous for! The witty mind immediately said – if these guys (the driver and guide) show me a leopard they deserve a monetary reward. I told myself – Rs.500/- is apt for them.

We were desperately searching for a leopard for a good half an hour after that thought. But luck eluded us. For me, it was nothing new at all. I was like expecting this. But the next moment, our driver got a call that there was a leopard seen. We immediately rushed to the spot.

Finally, it was the moment! We could see it clearly. Resting on a tree, he was chilling out! He didn’t bother that so many people are watching it. It was lazing. My happiness knew no boundaries – it was right there, after a long wait! But in the background, the mind started playing tricks – it told me, “Amit, these people have shown you the leopard. You had promised them Rs.500/-. But, isn’t this their job to show animals? So, why pay them that extra?” The mind started playing games and finding reasons why I should not give them the tip that I had myself promised.

Similarly our mind plays such tricks with us in various situations –

• As I wake up in the morning, the ‘Ravana within’ says it’s OK to sleep for 5 more minutes (which invariably become more than that).
• I know exercising should be a part of my daily routine, but ‘Ravana within’ makes me believe that I am too busy and don’t have time to take care of my body.
• I have taken an appointment with a client. I know I have left little late from my office. I feel disappointed that I won’t be fulfilling my commitment. But, the ‘Ravana within’ reminds me that the traffic is too bad, else I would have reached.
• I have promised my family that I will take them for dinner. But a client comes and I get late. I am feeling a little guilty. The ‘Ravana within’ gently utters that you are doing everything for them only. It’s not for personal benefits. 
• The traffic light is red, and no policeman is manning the signal. Though I want to follow traffic rules, I skip the signal and move ahead. The ‘Ravana within’ states that it’s OK to do so. It isn’t a busy signal anyways.
• As a person, I will have my opinions about various things. They wouldn’t be accepted all the time. The ‘Ravana within’ means tells me that the best way to counter is to rebel and throw tantrums.
• I have done a mistake, which will invite firing from my loved ones. But I don’t like to be shouted at. So, the ‘Ravana within’ covers up by telling lies.
• I have committed to myself that I will complete the project within 3 months. As the deadline nears, I know I am going to fail in the commitment. The ‘Ravana within’ comes up with awesome reasons why it is OK not to have been able to live upto the commitments made by me. 

Whether we like it or not, there is ‘Ravana within’ each one of us! There is a constant war going on inside me - whether the Ravana or the Ram (doing the right) in me would prevail! The more the Ram in me would prevail, the better my life will be. A fruitful living will be only possible if I can make the ‘Ravana within’ sleep more and The ‘Ram within’ awake most of the times!

Keeping the ‘Ram within’ awake and the ‘Ravana within’ sleeping is possible if I can remain alert. Everytime the ‘Ravana within’ has taken over, heart of heart, I don’t feel good. I feel guilty/ bad after that. The solution is - If I can simply be alert to the tricks the mind is playing, the ‘Ravana within’ can be sleeping more often. The moment the ‘Ravana within’ wants to wake up, all I need to do is smile and sing a lullaby and put it back to sleep!

Vis-à-vis my life –

At times the ‘Ravana within’ does take over the ‘Ram within’ me! Now that I have written about it, I have no choice but to be alert and ensure that the ‘Ram within’ is awake and the ‘Ravana within’ sleeping; rather hibernating!

As far as the giving the tip to the driver and guide and Yala National park is concerned, I could make the ‘Ravana within’ sleep and hence was happily able to give that tip to them!

Let me awake the ‘Ram within’ and hibernate the ‘Ravana within!’

Love,
Amit Kothari
…… always upgrading!

REACTION vs RESPONSE

One of my dear friends, Ashwin Shah, shared a lovely story which I thought of forwarding to all of you – 

“A beautiful speech by Sundar Pichai - an IIT-MIT Alumnus and Global Head Google Chrome -

At a restaurant, a cockroach suddenly flew from somewhere and sat on a lady. She started screaming out of fear. With a panic-stricken face and trembling voice, she started jumping, with both her hands desperately trying to get rid of the cockroach. Her reaction was contagious, as everyone in her group also got panicky. The lady finally managed to push the cockroach away but ... it landed on another lady in the group.

 

Now, it was the turn of the other lady in the group to continue the drama.

 

The waiter rushed forward to their rescue.

 

In the relay of throwing, the cockroach next fell upon the waiter. The waiter stood firm, composed himself and observed the behavior of the cockroach on his shirt. When he was confident enough, he grabbed it with his fingers and threw it out of the restaurant.

 

Sipping my coffee and watching the amusement, the antenna of my mind picked up a few thoughts and started wondering, was the cockroach responsible for their histrionic behavior?

 

If so, then why was the waiter not disturbed? He handled it near to perfection, without any chaos.

 

It is not the cockroach, but the inability of the ladies to handle the disturbance caused by the cockroach that disturbed the ladies.

 

In life, more than the problem, it's my reaction to the problem that creates chaos in my life. I understood, I should not react in life. I should always respond. The women reacted whereas the waiter responded.

Reactions are always instinctive whereas responses are always well thought of!”

 

Are there times in my life too when I REACT whereas I can RESPOND – 

• The traffic is stuck because a driver ahead of me seems to be struggling to get his vehicle started. I can react by honking; on the other hand, I can respond by understanding that even he is not enjoying waiting on the green signal, but there must be an issue.
• My father is shouting at me for something wrong I did at work. I can react by getting angry and banging things. Instead, I can respond by simply listening to what he has to say. After all, he is not my enemy. In his own ways, he wants to save me from blemishes.
• My wife is irritated at the series of events through the day. Add to it, I come late where I promised to come early. The moment I enter, she starts firing me. I can react by shouting back at her and saying – “Ghar mein bhi shaanti nahin hai.” (There is no peace at home too). If I really love her, I will respond by saying and meaning ‘Sorry.’ Maybe a little later hug her and ask what made her behave like this.

I strongly advocate the fact that – “REACTION always complicates; whereas RESPONSE always solves!” Every time I look back into - my life, my loved ones lives, my friends’ lives etc., this hold true everywhere. I haven’t come across a single situation where reacting has solved an issue.

 

Haven’t we so often gone through this – I react to a particular situation and behave abruptly. When I calm down, I realize that it wasn’t the right way of handling the situation. In various ways, then I attempt to apologize.

 

According to me, the best way to handle this is – to take a 20 second break before saying anything when there is a negative situation. Though they seem too less, these are magical 20 seconds! These 20 seconds can be the difference between – REACT and RESPOND.

 

Vis-à-vis my life – 

Not to brag about myself, but I think I always respond to situations. I hardly remember an incident when I reacted and made things worse. In fact, I have more memories of times when I could have reacted, but chose to RESPOND! That is probably one reason I haven’t snapped off any relationship as such!

 

I wish to live by – RESPOND, and even BETTER RESPONSE!

 

Love,
Amit Kothari
…… always upgrading!